Shattered
by Andieke
Summary: Shattered all over, no talking, no listing, no anything. Will they get out of this dark place? POST Descent
1. Shattered

**So I wasn't going to do one after the finale, I so wasn't. But then the idea got stuck in my head and even entered my sleep and I knew I had to write it down.  
Don't know yet where I'll end up but this is the beginning. And hoping you'll follow me on this journey.**

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He's still here. Even if at this moment it's just physically, he's still here, still breathing and still keeping his promise to her. She can't help the little smile, cause when they had finally gotten to them, she wasn't that sure he was still with them. But she had found a heartbeat and her entire world had lightened up again. Although not for long. First it was the wait whether he would make it or not, but doctors soon came with the positive news that he would recover. Physically at least, the mental part was another matter. But this was Deeks, the guy who seemingly didn't know depression or sadness. How wrong she had been. The moment he had woken up and was coherent enough to realize where he was and what happened, her world had darkened again. He didn't want to see anyone, no he didn't want to see anyone from the team. He did allow the medical staff in, but whenever Callen, Hetty or herself made their presence known inside the room he threw a fit until they left. In the end they relented and stayed away from him, at least when he was awake. He never said anything about when he was sleeping and that is why she's sitting in a dark hospital room, surrounded by the typical noises and smells. A midst all of this is her partner, sound asleep. She's been sitting at his bedside like this for roughly 3 days. She had hoped he would have given in by now, but he hadn't. He kept refusing to see them and right now she hoped Hetty would come up with a idea.

It's pathetic to hope that their boss would come up with an idea, but she was never good at these things. Emotions usually were things she steered away from and right now they were the very reason she's watching a sleeping partner. Something went horribly wrong for him and right now they are witnessing it's consequences. At least Sam allowed them inside his hospital room, but he wasn't talking either. Well not about what he went through or witnessed inside that room. To say that Sam and Deeks were best friends was a serious overstatement. There was respect, or at least that's what she figured, right now she's not too sure. Something happened between those two, but she had no idea what. And with Deeks refusing to see them and Sam refusing to talk about it, they had no means to find out. It was driving her crazy and also Callen. Both didn't deal with failure. Failure was something to be forgotten, put away. A bad case meant you had to try harder, train a little more and most importantly learn from your mistakes. But this time they were facing failure inside their own team and neither had an idea how to deal with it.

Noise from the bed make her come back to the present and to its heartbreaking reality. He's clearly having a nightmare, he has a number of then through the night despite the heavy painkillers he's on. So it's time to start the routine she hates so much. Gathering her stuff as quiet as possible, turning towards him. Watching him sleep, without a nightmare has something angelic to it. it's like watching the little kid he used to be. But nightmares don't allow that sight much and he's moving more and more, so she needs to move. Making sure she left nothing behind, she presses the call button and makes her way over to the door. She waits there, just inside the opening until the nurse comes by. She receives an apologetic smile but she can't muster anger towards the nurses. It's not their fault her partner is in some scary place and seems to think he needs to be alone.

The other part of the routine is there as well. Every night Callen leaves Sam and sits in the hallway outside Deeks room. With one intention, to be there when she comes out and most definitely needs someone. Even when it's just to hug her and make empty promises. But this night is different. Callen is still out there waiting for her when she comes out of the room, but there is a small smile on his lips. Her worry about her partner subsides a little, intrigued by what could have their team leader in a better mood. When he hugs her, he shares the good news and her hopes are lifted, if only a little thing.

'Kens, Nate's here.'

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He's not as daft as he looks like, so he's more than aware that his behavior is close to childlike. He's also aware of the fact that it can't last forever. At one point he has to deal with them but not now. Not right now because he simply can't. Right now he doesn't want to see it, the pity in their eyes. Right now he doesn't want to hear it, their questions. Right now he doesn't want to hear their advice, how they would have done differently and not get hurt. Right now he doesn't want to experience the loss he would feel when they sided with Sam. There is not a chance they'll not, they have always done so before, so why would they change that routine? Because he got tortured? No they probably would be proud of their scars and the fact that they survived, so they wouldn't look at him any differently. Beside what Sam said was probably the truth and they'll believe it, agree with it and even give their own opinion about it. So can he be blamed not wanting to hear that?

Still it hurt like hell, even worse than the wounds he had suffered. Unfortunately for him, the words are lodged inside his mind and he can't shake it off. He can't forget them and they haunt him whether he's asleep or awake. The words Sam spoke with such fierceness hurt a lot more than the torture he endure. Strangely enough he can place that, he can direct that towards a complete ass wanting information. He can almost put it off as the normal behavior of sick criminal on the verge of losing it all. Sam's attack however had been personal and while he had constructed a thick wall around his inner core, the words had penetrated with ease and had cut into him, deeply.

He's partly aware of the fact that his actions are probably hurting them, but it serves him right. He can't care about that, they never done before when it concerned him.

And if they think that being alone would coax him out, they are sadly mistaken. Because being alone is not the hardest part of it all. He's been used to it and to be honest he sleeps more then he's awake. It's the memories that are far worse and less easy to shake off. He knows he has to talk to someone, to somewhat get the tension out of his system or he's going to explode. But not right now, he can hold on a little longer, keep it at bay a little while more.

Hetty however seemingly decides differently and he finds that they are using his own words against him. And all of it in the form of Nate. Nate suddenly appearing in his hospital room wearing a coat that labels him as one of the hospital doctors. '_Only medical staff '_he can hear himself say and is ready to curse. That damn woman!

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Sam room has become headquarters for the moment. At least he lets them in and share some small talk with them. He's grateful for that. He's seen enough of the halls of this hospital. But mostly he wants to see the inside of that other room, storm in if he has to. But he doesn't. Deeks made it perfectly clear that he doesn't want to see them and he's respecting that wish. Only his patience is running out. He's not helped by Kensi, who seems to look at him and expect him to come with all the answers. He usually likes that position, being able to guide the younger ones on their way, show them the extent of his knowledge and he actually enjoys it when they learn something.

But right know he's drawing a blank, well in the 'how do we get to Deeks' department. He's never been good at these things. Neither of them actually. It's usually Deeks with a well placed remark or joke that broke the tension and got everyone to breathe again. But right now that's missing and he has no idea how to get back to it. Thankfully their boss is a puppet master and with some carefully pulled strings Nate suddenly turns up in the hospital. A little sleepy, a little more tanned then they are used from him, but he's here and suddenly hope is just around the corner.

Nate has gone off to see Deeks and they all hope he can do something, perform some sort of miracle for them. However it seems like when they run out of luck, they truly run out of luck. Nate is back way sooner than expected and he's not sure what to make of it. He can only try and brace himself for the storm that is about to erupt.

'And' Kensi asks as she gets up from the seat next to Sam's bed. Hope can be heard in her voice, and against all odds he finds himself hoping with her.

'mm, I think it's better to leave him alone a little longer, even when he's asleep.' Nate gently says.

'Why?' she asks, 'what have we done that he doesn't want to see us?'

'I don't think it's just something you guys have done. Everyone reacts differently to things, to torture in this case. While Deeks is strong, he's not dealing with it well. I can't say for sure, but I'm afraid what happened to him when he was little is affecting him. This is not the first time he's pulling away, I wouldn't be surprised that things didn't go his way after his father shooting. That somehow the aftermath of that left a mark on him and he's desperate to avoid that to happen again.'

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Sam is listing to what Nate is saying and his heart constricts. While Nate might be right about the childhood of Deeks, he's pretty sure that not the only part of the story. He's the other part, the reason Deeks doesn't want to see the others. His words still ring inside his mind. It's so difficult to place them, after everything that happened. He's actually starting to feel sick to his stomach when he thinks about it. How proud he is, how confident he is in his own abilities, in the last couple of days Deeks has proven that between the two of them, he's the better man and not Sam Hanna the proud Navy Seal. It's hard swallow but it's the truth and what did they say about the truth? The truth will set you free? More likely leave them more shattered that they already are, but they need to know. There is no rebuilding until everything and every piece is in front of you on the table.

'I don't doubt that Nate' he starts, and he can feel his wife's hand on his shoulder. She knows what he's up to and he's glad at her support.

'But I'm afraid something else is up as well.' He's know more than aware of them looking at him.

'And what's that?'

'I said some things to Deeks' He replies.

' What things?'

'I questioned his character'

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**TBC**


	2. A little bit more

**Newest one, thanks so much for the reviews, followers,... They really make my day and I love to hear about what you think.**

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**Two**

'You did what?' Blue eyes look at him and he can see the anger flashing in them. ' what were you thinking?'

' I wasn't thinking! This whole mess got to me and when we were running the surveillance and he asked I just, I just told him, I wasn't thinking okay?'

'No Sam, not okay! Why? I mean what happened?'

'This shit happened G. In case you forgot this wasn't just about you. My wife's life was on the line here and it just, it messed with my mind. I just couldn't think straight and …'

'So you just assumed Deeks would bring harm to Michelle?'

The question is painfully accurate of his feelings back then but so wrong considered what had transpired. He had no answer for it, none that didn't make him a complete ass so he remained silent.

'If you were having problems with the case of Deeks you should have come to me. Talked about it to me, not take it out on Deeks in the middle of a case.'

G fills the silence between them, the anger clear on his face and in his voice. They all had made mistakes, they all had done things that they now wished were different, but the anger he was feeling was clouding his mind just as much and when Callen spoke the last sentence something inside of him broke and he had to get it out.

'YEAH AND WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU HUH'  
he shouts momentarily forgetting they are inside a hospital room and one tends to be quiet in those surroundings. Callen looks back in shock, not expecting this, but it allows him the time to continue.

'Off to find your arch nemesis Janvier, that's what you were doing. Did you ever stop to think about the future instead of your own mission of revenge? Did you ever realize that if things went bad, really bad my kids would have to grow up without one or both their parents? Yeah I lost it and told Deeks things I shouldn't have and believe me when I say that I want nothing more than the chance to unsay them. But I didn't put Deeks in that position. '

'You saying I did it? I put him in that position?'

'no'

'but'

'but if you didn't bring Janvier back, we would have had more control on the situation'

Silence fills the room and no one is looking at one another. He settles on the wall in front of him, feeling his wife next to him. He's suddenly tired but glad he finally had been able to say what was on his mind. There is no way he's actually blaming Callen, what happened was a lack of control, caused by the inclusion of Janvier in the case. He feels guilty for not bringing that up earlier, not allowing his own thoughts to be said and heard before the case, before Kensi and G went to get Janvier back. But he can't dismiss his own actions either. Him not saying those words to Deeks would have helped a lot, at least he wouldn't have been the reason the cop doesn't want to see or speak to anyone.

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Silence feels wrong after Sam and Callen are done yelling to one another. Everyone is just sitting there, all looking someplace else. She wonders whether she needs to speak up too, talk about what happened at the house and how they had left things. Sam was convinced that he was the reason Deeks didn't want to see them. She's pretty convinced she's the reason. Why in the world would he want to talk to the one that walked away. If only she had been able to express what he had done to her, how he had turned her entire world upside down. She figured she knew enough about him, enough to gauge his reaction and know what he would do in different circumstances. But he had surprised her there and had left her completely speechless. In fact there was only thing she wanted and that was more. But reality had kicked in again and with that her fears, so she mumbled something about following Michelle and left him there.

Of course that was all in the idea that he would be back later on, that they would get to the mission and he would be there, joking how great he was, how good at his job. She never ever imagined her return to a mission in mourning . Or Eric telling her they have no idea where her partner is and what happened to him. She wasn't prepared to deal with that and neither was Callen.

And now the four of them are safe, they are still falling apart. The yelling needs to take place and there'll be plenty of it in the future. She wonders whether she would be doing some of her own, when Deeks allowed them back in the room. She hopes not, but there are things that need to be said and sometimes just yelling took care of that. But right now she opts to remain silent, letting the oppressing silence fill the room.

'Maybe I should go and speak to him.' it's Michelle's voice that cuts the silence and they all look at her.

'you really think that's a good idea?' Sam asks.

'well it's better than the others floating around' that one hits home and they all stare at the floor for a minute or two.

'it might work' Nate replies.

And that settles everything. She's not feeling that okay with Michelle going to see her partner, but they need all the help they can get and perhaps this will bring him back to her.

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He's been expecting Callen or Kensi to barge into his room and call him every name under the sun. Or Hetty suddenly appearing bedside scaring the hell out of him. Probably seizing the few seconds he needs to get his breathing under control to pull everything from him, even the stupid things he did when he was younger.

But he's never expected this, a knock on his door and Michelle Hanna appearing in the doorway asking if she can come in. Maybe that's what they are been playing at, surprising him enough to allow her in. Or perhaps he's just a tiny bit curious as to what she has to say. After all he hasn't spoken to anyone for a few days now.

She takes a seat next to his bed and they both remain silent for awhile. She probably trying to find some words to say, he's just sitting there, waiting for her to speak.

'I haven't thanked you yet' are the first few words out of her mouth.  
He wants to shrug them off, telling her it's nothing, but she won't let him.

'Don't do that, we both know that it wasn't what you signed up for.'

She speaks the truth but still, he would have never said anything. Despite what they think of him, despite what Sam thinks of him, he wants to be able to look at himself in the mirror and see an honest man. Another truth is that he probably wouldn't have survived another round.

'I also should have said something.'

No need to explain what she's talking about. She was there, not physically next to them, but she had heard every word of the conversation and he somehow had believed her to share her husband's thoughts.

'He had no right and I should have called him out on it' He understands what it's meant to be, a wrapped excuse. It does nothing to his anger towards the man, but it takes away the need to be angry at her as well.

'And while you might not have done it for him, I'm still grateful for what you did'

she continues and he wonders if that's what they all think. That he would be superficial enough to give up on someone, to just spill the beans because someone said some harsh words to him. Well not just harsh words, but he believes himself to be not that shallow. Sam was, is a team mate and you do everything you can for said team mate. Even when you really want to hit him where it hurts.

'I know what it's like' he responds and she looks at him.

'what?'

'I know what it's like to grow up without, technically I did grew up with them present, but I know what's it's like to not have your parents around. Not having them tuck you into bed and read you a story or tell you how much they love you or how proud they are of you. I know what's that's like and I never ever wish that on anyone.'

He can tell she's stunned and lost for words for a moment. He's in a similar state, doesn't have a clue where it came from, but it had to get out. And sometimes it's easier to talk to a stranger then to a friend. She grabs his hand and he can feel what she wants to say. He's glad she remains quiet and makes her way to the door. He's not in the mood for talking and even more so after the sudden admission.

The door closes with a soft thud and he's alone again, but somehow it feels like he's not that alone anymore.

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She's back on her way to Sam's room and she suddenly finds herself to be angry. Not at the man who's room she just left, but then man who's room she is headed to. And while she holds her husband dear and close to her, children are everything, especially her own.

As she steps inside the room, he picks up on her vibe immediately

'what happened?' he asks, probably thinking Deeks saying something. But he did, Deeks did say something and it rattled her world. And in normal circumstances she would have never said what she did, she would have kept it all in. But these are not normal times, nor normal circumstances and emotions take over.

'You're always so full about the honor and duty of a marine, a SEAL never leaves a man behind. You go on and on about training and respecting others. You complain about the lack of training in others, you sometimes refuse to see the good in others, not NAVY trained. But let me tell you one thing, Samuel Hanna and by extension the rest of the team. Whatever you believe about honor, you don't even come close to Deeks.

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**TBC**


	3. Anger

**Sorry it took a little while to update. I've been away on holiday the last two weeks and while I had my laptop with me and internet access, the outside world was just a little more interesting that sitting in my hotel room writing :)**

**Also a very big thanks on the reviews on the second chapter. It took a lot to write it but it's so well worth it to see you all liked it! I didn't think it would work out like this :)**

**Anway, here is the third installment and I do hope you like it, please let me know!**

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To say he's angry, it a little underestimate. He's furious and the whole problem is that he's furious with himself. He's been in the gym for two hours, hitting the bag and climbing the wall but nothing seems to ease the flames inside of him. He want to scream, fight, hell he wants to shoot somebody. Only problem the man he wants to shoot is dead already.

_Why should I blame you? You weren't there, you didn't put me there in that chair and you certainly didn't hold that drill in your hands' _

Deeks' words echo through his mind. Today he had finally been able to go in there, into his room and have the talk he wanted to have with the detective. It just didn't go the way he had planned. He had gone in there with one single purpose and that was to let Deeks admitting the blame to him. For letting the other guy having the chance to blame him. Cause there wasn't any other way possible. He was responsible for this mess and it was time people started to acknowledge that.

The idea had come from him, well from him, Hetty and Granger, but still he had agreed with it straight away. He should have thought about it, at least give it a little more than just a moment of consideration. Sam had been right, he had let revenge take over. He had let the chance of finally making Janvier do something take over from the rest of the case. He should never have let that happen, there were other ways, other possibilities. Yes they would have taken more time, but at least they wouldn't be where they were right now.

Only Deeks had refused to blame him, had simply refused to be angry at him for what happened to him. It had been Sidorov, not G Callen that had put Deeks in the chair and Deeks wanted him to know that. Only he didn't want to listen and they had escalated into a heated discussion until a nurse came running in and kicked him out. He had come straight here, hoping he would be able to let off some steam.

He sails down from the top of the climbing wall, another round with the bag on his mind when a voice stops him.

'So was it worth it?'

Hetty. Of course it would be Hetty and of course she would know what had transpired at the hospital.

'No'

Hetty remains quiet and he continues on towards the bag. But after a few punches he can't take it anymore. His boss had sat down on the benches just watching him and it was irritating him.

'So?' he asks as he turns towards her.

'So what?' Hetty replies.

'Are you just gonna sit there watching me?'

'Are you just gonna hit the bag and ignore the rest?' Hetty counters. 'You can punch that bag into oblivion, you can race up the wall as much as you like, it's not gonna change Mr. Deeks' mind. '

'And it should be like this' she continues, cutting off a reply from his side. ' Mr. Deeks is blaming the right guy, the guy that actually put him there. Despite what you think you had nothing to do with that'

'this was not his….' He starts, but Hetty cuts him off again.

'Not his what. His fight? This is a team Mr. Callen, a team that fights for one another. Mr. Deeks did what he did for the team. Be part of that same team, allow him to have that and to hold on to that. The road ahead will be difficult enough'

'And what team would that be hé? Sam and Deeks not talking, Kensi,…. If Deeks doesn't get better I'm not sure we'll be seeing her again

'Mr. Hanna and Mr. Deeks, that something they've got to work out themselves. There is probably nothing we can do, but you can help Miss Blye by being there. Let Mr. Deeks know that there is something worth fighting for. '

He looks at his boss as she makes her way towards the door. He's not sure what to say. He still not convinced it's not his fault, but he starts to find it difficult to be one hundred percent sure of that. Once again she managed to find a way inside his head and inside what he's thinking.

'oh, Mr. Callen' she calls from the doorway. 'I understand what it is that you are afraid of, but give Mr. Deeks a reason to stay, not one to leave.'

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She's standing in some break room at the hospital. A good 30 minutes ago Deeks had been taken away for a yet another dental procedure. She shakes her head to loose the images of the first one. He had tried, oh he had tried but the second that drill came into view fear took over. When that fear evolved into a full on panic attack, all parties concerned had agreed that sedation was the best route to go. It meant he had to leave for his procedures, but it gave her some breathing space as well.

The last few weeks, the weeks he had allowed them back inside had been brutal. Both on him and on her. She didn't leave his side, it took Hetty threatening some horrible punishment to make her leave for a night or day. And even then she only left when Hetty promised she would stay with him until she came back.

Not a surprise but Deeks suffered from nightmares because of what happened and she didn't want him to wake alone, she wanted someone he knew by his side when he woke up. Preferably her, but she was running out of energy . The hours he would be taken away for his dental repair work or any other procedure had become somewhat of a breather period for her. It allowed her to go out, catching some air, get something to eat. It also created some space between them. They weren't talking, they were existing next to each other and it broke her heart. It did because she knew she was to blame for it. She couldn't help but think that nothing would have happened hadn't she left him. If only she had enough courage to let him know how she felt, she would have been there, and would have been able to help him, help Sam and nothing would have happened.

Of course that wouldn't have changed the situation between Deeks and Sam. That had happened before that.

'hey?' she hears behind her and as she turns around she finds the other one standing by the door. Sam. He looks better then that last time she has seen him, but that's been days ago. There is no need to lie, she's not been that frequent in visiting him since she learned about the conversation between Sam and Deeks. Maybe it's unreasonable but she's siding with Deeks on this one. Even if she kind of felt the same when they first met. But three years of constantly putting her life in his hands and him never ever failing her had changed that. It had allowed her to see that Deeks was worth her trust. She had figured Sam had seen that too.

She looks at him, Sam at least seems to understand he needs to be the humble one in this situation.

'so how's he doing?'

'He's off to get some dental work done' she replies, perhaps a little harsh. But she's angry with Sam and she's too tired to hide it.

'Okay,' he nods.

'He's strong Kens, he'll be fine.'

'For the procedure yeah, for the rest…' her words hang in the room and to her satisfaction she sees Sam cringe a little. _ At least he has the sense to be humiliated by what he's done._

'Kens, I know that….'

'Don't Sam, you're right I'm not the one that you need to apologize too' she snaps back. He just nods.

'Why?' despite everything she wants to say to him, to yell at him, she really wants to know the answer to that. He's already responded to Callen, but she needs to hear it again and probably a few times more before she's ready to move on.

'Because of the same feelings you're feeling right now' Sam responds and for the first time actually looks her in the eye.

'Just like you I was scared shitless of what would happened, could happen to Michele. It clouded my mind. I was angry that they could put Michelle back inside just like that and I lashed out on the first person possible. Deeks, he … I made a horrible mistake. I've said things I believed but was wrong to believe. Michelle is right, Deeks is the better man and I….' Sam's voice trails off, searching for the right words.

Emotions run through her. While she's still angry at him, can't give him what he seeks at least not now, another world is opening for her. If he's really feeling that and she has no reason to think he's not telling the truth, she can at least understand him. She's been guilty of lashing out at others solely because of the anxiety inside of her. The unknown about her partner, the not knowing how he's going to survive, if he's going to survive has her stomach in knots and her brain in places she rather doesn't go. She's can't forgive him yet, he should have known better but it doesn't make her not understand it. Because she does, she does understand him oh so well.

'Kens….' Sam seems to pick up on her emotional turmoil as he steps a little closer to her. Tears are pricking in her eyes, she fights them off or at least tries to. She doesn't want to cry in front of Sam. If he already thinks her partner is worthless, what would her crying make him think. But his voice carries understanding, something she's been seeking for so long. Cause angry or not Sam has been in the same place she is, understands what it's like when team members start to feel different about each other, when true feelings are showing up in the relationship. So when he offers his arms and his shoulder to cry on, she gratefully accepts.

'I don't know how this will end Kens, I really don't. But we'll be there for him, even if he doesn't want me there, I'll be there for you and for him' Sam whispers in her ear. Yeah he's not forgiven yet but right now he's the only one she's ready to believe.

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_A few days later._

He's going home. Finally after all those weeks cooped up inside this room, he's finally let go and he can go home.

Of course his partner has a different idea about home, or at least the place he's going to. He doesn't want to. He doesn't want to burden her, doesn't want her to go out of her way because of him. His own apartment is equipped enough and frankly he's looking forward to sleeping in his own bed, to see Monty again. But perhaps it's the view, the ocean so close that makes him want to go home even more. He might not be in the position to surf or swim, at least he would be able to look at it, to view it from his home and he'll settle for that for the moment.

She's not that understanding of his views and he can see an argument coming. It would be the first time they are actually talking about something. It would be more that just sharing platitudes and comments on the TV-shows they have been watching. But he also doesn't miss the flash of hurt washing over her face, it's not that he doesn't trust her, it's just. Yeah maybe that trust did get a little dented after what happened, just like his feelings but he likes to think she's still out there and he can count on her to get back to who he was, if that's even possible.

It's in moments like this, where argument and anger make him think clearly, making him forget about the shell of a man he is and he actually stands up for himself. It's also that moment where he realized that if she were in his position, yeah he wouldn't leave her alone either. So to fight of the guilt he's already feeling he gives her something to hold on to.

'Kens?'

'Yeah?'

'I do have a spare room at my place'

****

**TBC**


	4. Need me

**The next installment.  
Kensi might be a bit ooc, but I needed it for the ending of this chapter.  
Thanks for all the reviews, followers! They make my day, so keep them coming!**

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He's going crazy. He doesn't need anyone else to tell him that, he's pretty sure of it himself. A little longer, some more nights without sleep and he's ready to join the crazy people outside. There is a little hope, as long as he knows he's going crazy it must mean he's not fully there yet. And judging by the look Kensi gives him when she gets back from OPS tells him she's aware of it too. She looks at him like he's ready to burst any minute, freak out over nothing and he hates that look. He doesn't deserve her and this. He just wants to be alone and drown in his own misery.

He looks up from his book as she practically runs inside the garden. He can see her relax a little when her eyes finds his and he wonders what had her into running. But she doesn't say it, just gives him that look. It's like she's surprised to find him there, like she's been expecting him to be gone. It's not that she's not happy he's not, he can tell but he wonders what has her acting like this. And it's been like this since Hetty called her back to work two weeks ago. Every day he's faced with that look. A Kensi, clearly happy to see him but also a Kensi that seems to expect him to vanish before her eyes.

He follows her inside. He's not that hungry, hasn't been for awhile but he kind of likes his kitchen.

'No need for that.' She says as she notices what he's doing. 'Callen is on his way with pizza.'

Great, tonight he'll have two babysitters.

'Oh, okay' he says and puts away the stuff he had grabbed from the fridge. He's not remotely interested in pizza tonight, but he doesn't say. He's been rude enough to her for the past fortnight and she never ever did anything to warrant that behavior. It's just the lack of sleep, the haunting memories and his mind not allowing him any kind of rest that has him on an edge and she's the easiest target. Only Monty spends more time with him, but isn't as hurt when he lashes out.

'So how was your day?' he asks, trying to get some conversation going. He's not interested in hearing it, truth be told. It reminds him too much of what he's losing or already lost and he can't really deal with it.

'Slow, did paperwork, worked out , even looked into some cold cases' She replies and she gives him a look. He's a little wary, something else clearly happened and he can tell she's not sure how to tell him.

'I, Sam was at OPS today' she blurts out.

Sam, one of the topics they have been avoiding. They know what had been said between him and the ex SEAL, Kensi told him that much. But he can't talk about it, can't or maybe will not deal with it right now. He knows that they'll have to make their peace if he would ever stand a chance to come back to the team. He's not even sure that's what they want. If they would have to pick between Sam and Deeks, he knew where he stood and that was not above the ex SEAL. To say that this thinking didn't hurt was a lie. He felt like he had done enough in the past to show them that he could be trusted, hell he had been prepared to give up his life for the other guy and his wife. The fact that they didn't seem capable of acknowledging that or at least let him know that they didn't agree with what Sam had said, hurt a whole lot more. Only Michelle had come forward on that and he had been grateful for that.

'Didn't know Sam had been cleared for work already.' He does nothing to hide the anger in his voice. Perhaps a little childish of him, but he felt he had earned the right to be angry at Sam. And why shouldn't he? It wasn't like the big man had been around to see him or inquire after him. And considered the outcome of the case he felt like he deserved some sort of excuses or acknowledgement from the guy.

'He's not' she's quick to say and there is that look again. Like she's afraid the news will send him over the edge. 'He's not talking to Nate.'

The _either _hangs in between them. He's been refusing the second he woke up in the hospital. Not that he didn't trust Nate, he just didn't trust himself . He knew Nate was just there to help him, to find some focus again but he just couldn't go there, sit down and talk. He has been through that before and he couldn't say he liked the experience.

'It's not because of Nate.' He says, feeling like he owed her some sort of explanation. She opens her mouth to ask something but is cut off by a knock on the door. Yeah, he's not looking forward to spending the evening with both Kensi and Callen, but right now he's happy for the distraction.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

An evening where he has gone completely silent is nothing new for her. Although Deeks and silence are mutually exclusive she has been faced with this new version of her partner. The table is littered with empty pizza boxes and bottles of beer. Most of them consumed by either herself or Callen. Once again he has hardly eating anything. In the normal days they would have fought for the last slice, right now he's barely going for his second.

She tries to focus on the TV, on the movie they are watching but her eyes keep going towards him. He's watching the screen, but she can tell he's miles away. The glazed over look, the motionless sitting on the couch are a giveaway. She wonders where he goes when he is in that state. She has some sort of an idea, but then again she probably doesn't. The doctors told them what they believed to have happened, judging on the injuries. But they didn't know, there had only been a hand full of people that knew what had happened there in that shop, and most of them were dead now. Only Sam and Deeks remained to tell the tale and both were silent on the subject. With Deeks it often earned her a rude comment, with Sam she hadn't even tried.

She didn't want to know to mock him, to use it against him. Part of her wanted to know so she could help him, know what to be on the lookout for. But most of it she wanted to know because she needed it, she needed to know, hear what he's been through, the events she has been unable to save him from.

But there is something else, some other need for her to talk about what happened. It's because she wants to figure out what he had been thinking back then. Did she figure in his thought at any given time? She knows what he told Michelle and while it makes her sick to the core, there is no denying it. She's jealous. She figured she would have been in his thoughts, that somehow she played a role in holding on, in not giving in and in the end not dying. She knows it's stupid and that it shouldn't be as important as she makes it, but she can't help it.

'Did you think about me?' she has no idea where it comes from, but she can hear herself ask the question she's been holding on for so long. There is a little shift from his side and then she's looking into his blue eyes. He might have been miles away, her voice clearly carried through the fog in his mind. Out of the corner of her eye she can see Callen move a little too. She's not sure why, she doesn't think Deeks would do anything to hurt her, but of course Callen doesn't know that.

He's not answering her but keeps looking at her. She's not sure he doesn't want to answer or just can't find the words. After what feels like an eternity the staring is broken by him getting off the couch.

'Deeks?'

'How…..' his voice halts, emotions, mostly anger clearly audible in it. He's suddenly antsy, a signal he's struggling with keeping it all inside, to not lash out.

She remains silent, she has no idea how to backtrack from this, how to calm him down when she's the reason he's so fired up. Callen moves a little, making the fabric crack a little. it's a reminder he's still there. Perhaps the reason why she asked, feeling safe that a third party is at her side.

'I can't believe you're asking me this.'

'Deeks'

'YOU WERE WITH HER!'

The silence after the shouting is deafening, she's pretty sure the shock she's feeling is visible on her face. All becomes clear in that instant, the reasons, t he answer to her questions. She's humiliated by her need to know, her asking that very question.

'Giving up Michelle meant giving up you as well.' he says and every word is another dagger through her heart. They are partners, willing to die for one another. How could she question him, how could she even question the idea that he didn't think about her, that part of what he did wasn't to keep her safe as well.

'I never thought I needed to spell that out to you'

And then he's gone, slamming the bedroom door behind him.

'Kens?' it's Callen's voice that makes it through the ringing in her ear and brings her back to reality.

'You want me to go in there and kick some sense into him?'

'And what sense would that be?' she asks him, suddenly angry at him as well.

'Kens, I didn't….'

'I know.' She says as she gets up from the couch ' I better get in there and see how he's doing'

'You sure about that?' he asks.

'yeah, he'll yell and curse but he would never hurt me.' She replies.

Callen just nods, that despite the visible anger in her partner, she's convinced he would never harm her. It was a vow he made himself and there is no way he'll ever cross that line. He basically survived too much to become like his father.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

He's lying on his side, facing away from the door when she enters. And while he's dressed for sleep, she can tell by his breathing that he's not sleeping. He's not paying attention to her either, but she knows he's aware of her presence in the room. He's just too good at pretending he doesn't. There is actually a lot of things he's pretty good at, like pretending he's alright when he's not. It has taken her three years and close encounters, observations and just spending so much time with him, but she has discovered his tells, his little signs. He on the other hand knew her inside out from pretty much six months in. It makes her feel even worse about tonight. She shouldn't have asked, she should have known.

She also wonders what it feels like to have your world turned upside down like this. Yeah she had a her fair share of shocks and grieves but nothing like this. Never ever has she been fallen victim to a vicious and mad man. She comes to the stunning realization that this is not the first time it happened to him. She may never know what kind of situations he's been into while undercover for the LAPD. He'll only share tidbits, but it doesn't matter. Cause there is the all knowing fact that he survived a mad man when he was little. Positive is that he survived back then, even shooting his very own father to survive. But is a man ready to survive two? Can you face death so many times and walk away from it? She's not sure, but what she does know is that she'll be there every step of the way. And if that means opening up to him, well that's what she'll do.

He doesn't move when she approaches the bed, but she knows he knows she's there. The bed dips a little as she gets on, lying down and looking at his back. She doesn't expect him to turn and isn't surprised when he doesn't. Whatever she needs to say will be to his back, but she doesn't mind. He'll hear her anyway.

'Deeks. I,… I'm sorry I shouldn't have asked.'

'You wanted to know, and now you do.' The anger has almost disappeared from his voice, it's mere a defeated version of her partner. It makes it even worse.

'Yes, but I …. I shouldn't have had this need to know. I should have just known it. You, we,… You never let anything happen to me and I should have trusted that instinct, I shouldn't have been…..' while she can admit it to herself, she can't say it out loud that she had been jealous. It makes it feel even worse saying out loud so she lets the sentence unfinished. He knows her well enough to be able to finish it.

'But this is affecting us all and it makes us all not thinking clearly. I,… with you, with this, it just, I try not to, I really do, but I cannot help it. It, this makes me think of Jack'

Now she's looking into his blue eyes and she can see him getting worried.

'Kens, I….' but she silences him.

'No, I need this. I, I tried to help him, I really did and then one day he just got up and left. And now that scares me shitless. I, every time I can't see you, can't hear you I can't help but think that you, that you left as well and that I failed again.'

'Kens, I'm not going to leave.' He says

'You can't say that. You don't know! Maybe it's me, maybe,…'

'hey, it's not you okay, you've done nothing wrong'

'then let me in.' her statement hangs in between them. She looks at him, really looks at him and is surprised to see him in tears as well.

'I,' he starts, voice breaking ' I want to, but what do I have to offer?'

'Everything.' She replies immediately.

**TBC**


	5. Talk

**Five**

She's nervous . She's torn between the sweet moment this very morning and the cold reality of the day. And while she wants nothing more but to go back to that moment, she's can't. She's here and she needs to face the reality.

Waking up in his arms had transported her back to those few weeks where she could call him her husband. And while she had told everyone who would listen that the operation had been though '_you try to live with Deeks for a couple of week'_ she had secretly enjoyed it. For those few weeks she had gotten a glimpse of paradise and she had realized he had been the man she wanted that paradise with. But fear had put a hold on everything, at least her part. She never told him how she really felt. Not that it would have stopped the horror he had gone through but at least he would have had something else to live for.

But waking up today, wrapped in his arms, bathing in the warmth that he provided she had been reminded that the world didn't need to be that dark or negative. He told her how he felt about her, she could still feel his lips on hers. If only the aftermath had never happened.

Because how beautiful this morning was, watching him finally getting some real sleep, Deeks was not the same man he used to be. Whatever Sidorov did to him, they only got the version by the doctors and they could only guess based on the injuries, it had changed him to the core and not for the best. He had become more withdrawn. His smile, if he smiled hardly ever reached his eyes and there was an total negative wave about him. The conversation yesterday had been good, it had allowed her to explain some worries, he had finally admitted to be broken but they had also reached new grounds. He had promised her to call Nate today and that was one of the things she was nervous about.

What if he only told her that to get her of his back? Nate hadn't made any appearances in the bullpen and while she really wants to know she didn't want to humiliate Deeks by asking Nate. But she really wanted to him to keep that promise, it might be his only chance.

'Kens?' Callen's voice cuts through the streams of thoughts and she looks to her side, seeing him looking at her.

'yeah?'

'care to join me for lunch?'

There isn't much to do at the mission, Hetty probably holding cases away from them so she nods. She needs the air anyway. On their way out they come across Nate who's also going outside.

'Hey Doc, care to join us for lunch?' Callen asks, but Nate shakes his head. He glances her way and she wonders what that means. She doesn't need to wait long to find out.

'Can't do, I'm heading to the beach'

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

He's tired and wants nothing more than to crawl into his bed and sleep. But it's just a little after two in the afternoon and even for him a little too early to crawl into bed. So he selects a soda from the fridge and settles in front of the TV, ready for some mindless daytime shows. A knock on his door however seems to decided differently about it. He freeze on the couch, somehow hoping that whoever is standing on the other side will leave. But as seconds pass by it become clear he or she will not move, at least not away from his front door.

He gets his second freezing moment of the day when he sees who's standing on the other side. The urge to slam the door shut is growing but he's trying to ignore it. He's tired, Nate's conversation with him still fresh in his mind, but perhaps he needs this as well? At least the other person made the move, just like he wanted.

'Can I come in?'

He doesn't say anything but moves aside to let the hulky form that is Sam enter his home.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

'You're quiet'

He can see his words shake her from whatever she's thinking. They are sitting on the terrace of some small coffee shop, enjoying an after lunch coffee . He figured Hetty would call them if they were needed.

'sorry' comes the reply.

'Care to tell me what's going on?' He has a good idea what it is about, but doesn't want to be the one to bring it up. It's her business and she'll tell him what she wants him to know.

'It's Deeks' she admits and he feels a little fearful himself. Despite what he might have said before, the blond haired man had become a part of his little family and he would hate for that family to fall apart. There is of course the still lingering feeling of guilt about what happened. He can't talk about it to Deeks, he'll only get angry. Sam will block him out, telling him it's their job and they did what needed to be done. He never tried with Kensi, but it's pretty sure her reaction will be something between Deeks and Sam. Add to that the overprotective mode she's got going towards Deeks and G Callen knows better than to interfere with that.

' He promised to call Nate.' She continues

'and he did that, Nate going to the beach is a prove that he did as he promised.' He really wants to comfort her, telling her that everything will be alright. It's only a little hard when you're not sure that's even capable.

'yeah, but what if he, what if Nate can't help him?'

He looks away from her, the pain and hurt in her eyes too much to bare for him. It's also too close to what he's feeling as well. What if Nate can't help their partners? He's not sure he wants to go down that route.

'then we'll find some one other, and we keep doing that until we find someone who can help Deeks.' He hears himself say and he wants to believe that. At least Hetty would. Nobody wants their little team to explode but Hetty the least of it. And this is Hetty they are talking about, he's pretty sure there hasn't been a moment in his little boss's life where she never got what she wanted.

'I'm sure Nate and Hetty know people who are experienced in dealing with agents who have been ….' He stops, not capable of uttering the word, it makes it too real. He knows that it has happened, both their partners bare the scares of it, but talking about it, voicing makes it come even closer and he's not sure he can do that.

'tortured' she whispers and he's pretty sure not so the people around them won't hear. It's a pathetic display. Both seasoned agents, but they can't talk about what they feel or what happened to their partners. He just nods. He doesn't know everything, like dealing with emotions, but he does know he would do anything to keep this little family together. He has to, it's the only thing he has.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Silence fills his living room. They are only glancing at one another, not brave enough to actually look at one another. He can tell that Sam is nervous and it surprises him. He figured Sam didn't even know the word. He finally breaks the silence by offering something to drink to Sam, which he accepts. It takes some minutes to get the drink and to get settled but then they are sitting down facing each other. There are one million things running through his mind, his need to say something, anything to break the silence making his way up. But just as he's about to break, Sam finally speaks up.

'I came here to apologize, to tell you that I made a huge mistake and that I'm sorry for it. I, … this mm, this is not enough I know, but I wanted you to know that. I needed you to know that. Hell Deeks! you saved my life, my wife's life, my family and that after I was so horrible to you. '

'Sam' he tries, his need to please everyone, to make sure everyone is okay is taking over.

'No Deeks! I'll not let you… I don't deserve to …. I won't let you dismiss what I said to you so easily. I was an ass, a huge ass. You and I, I can't believe I've been so stupid!'

He doesn't say anything, Sam is radiating a lot of anger and he's not sure how to deal with that.

'I , before I joined NC IS I did some training with future SEALS. I would tell them what I knew, what was important and what I learned out in the field. SEALS are hard men, ready to do anything for their country, but they are also men of flesh and blood. And every man is different, I told them that they should embrace that difference, that it wasn't wrong to be different from each other. I told them that they should keep their eyes open and learn from each other. I told them over and over and why do I do? Judge you cause you're different from me.'

'Sam, it's not…'

'Yes it is! we're different, I come from hard training, I have a military background. You don't, you look at things differently, perhaps even from the law. It's different than my look on the world, but not better or worse. It's different, but it doesn't make you anything less. I wanted you to be me, expected you to be me and that was wrong. You're you and you're brilliant at that. I should have respected that.'

Silence one again takes up room in his living room as they both fall silent. Sam probably waiting on something, he trying to find something. Being left speechless is not something that happens to often to him, but it has happened. Everything he ever wanted to say to Sam, had been filled with anger. Anger for the way Sam acted around him, angry for the words that had been said out there in that park. But they are gone now and he's scrambling to find something to tell him.

'I accept, or at least I'm trying' he starts, 'it's just there is a whole lot of shit going on inside my head. It's gonna take awhile to get back'

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Tears threaten to fall as he hears the younger man's words, the fact that Deeks is willing to admit his problems means the world to him. It actually means more than the acceptance because it shows him it's real. Deeks is actually trying to accept his apologies and while he knows it will take a while and that there will be set back, the world has taken on a lighter look. Beside he can tell that the other man is not okay, that he's still struggling and will struggle even more. But the SEAL in him wakes up and he's reminded of that one motto: never leave a man behind. He might have made the mistake of wanting to leave Deeks behind, he's not about to make that same mistake again.

'are you sleeping?' he asks

'yeah, not as much as I want, but I am.'

'and eating? You look awfully thin'

'I try, it's just I'm just not that hungry'

' I can understand that Deeks, but you've got to eat. At least keep trying' he says as he eyes the younger man. He can understand what's wrong, why the appetite seems to be gone, but he's not going to let the younger man waste away.

'I'm talking to Nate' Deeks suddenly says and it kinda takes him by surprise. He had figured Deeks would be the same as him, pretending everything is okay.

'that's good' he says, he might not be talking to Nate, it doesn't mean he understand the need for it to happen for Deeks.

'I don't know'

'Sometimes I feel like it's better if I didn't survive, I didn't have to go through all of this and spare you all the hurt'. He closes his eyes at Deeks words. He knew it would be coming but it still hurts to hear it. To hear the otherwise over confident Deeks doubting the reason he's still here, still around and plainly still suffering. That's the horror with torture. You can kill the one doing it, it's the victim that's got to live with the scars.

'I understand, but you can't think that way. You've got to much to live for. And you've got us okay, you're not hurting us. Besides think about how angry Kensi would be if you had died in that chair.' His words, especially his last fail to bring a smile on the younger cop's face.

'yeah well, maybe things shouldn't always be about Kensi and how she feels'

TBC

* * *

**So number five.  
Let me know what you think!**

**And thanks for all the reviews, followers and favorites. It might seem not much but they do make my day. **


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